Several months ago, Ryan and I were spending a Saturday exactly how we like to: in Soho, shopping. The sun was shining, Annie Bing was having a sale, and as we headed down Mercer towards Houston, I handed my phone over to Ryan and asked him to snap a picture of me because #content.
Which is always super risky for me, asking for a picture of myself— seeing full-length me isn’t usually met with my rave review.
But this time was different. He handed my phone back, and I flipped through my camera roll, looking through the images. My hair is longer, I’m standing up straight (mom would be so pleased), and I’m smiling. And my only initial thought was “I look grown up.” So simple and simultaneously monumental. There was no disappointment, no guilt from last night’s dinner or a missed run. No distress over my skin or my outfit. Everything was fine. And good.
In my lifelong battle of me vs. me, that moment of gratification on a Sunday in Soho has been a major marker in my year. I’ve spent a lot of time waving off compliments and affirmations taking in those words as nice, but never genuine. I guess it’s a weird sense of humility but it’s really only ever held me back. It’s a cut deep enough to create rifts in my marriage and keep me from feeling like I had a place professionally. When it came to me beginning to start shaking out of that headspace, truly, this picture helped.
This year was all about proving to myself that, yep, I am enough, and that the size of my jeans or title in my email signature really has nothing to do with it, but sure it helps validate. 2018 brought me changes that helped me finally believe I bring value to my team at work, to my friends, and most importantly to my relationship with my husband. What a simple truth, why in the world has it taken me nearly 30 years to begin to accept it?
Now, I’m looking ahead and striving to hold my own, to not bend so easily under pushback or be quite so sensitive. If 2018 was the year I realized I do, in fact, have a seat at the table, 2019 is my year to defend it.
A really big kiss to all of my friends who have followed along with my little blog this year. I’m closing out the year with the pride of an accomplished goal resting on my heart and my eyes on 2019. Everything is gonna be fine. And good. I promise.