Recently, I’ve taken to recording the conversations I have with the people I interview for my #BringYourOwnCoffee series. I am a very novice interviewer, so when it comes to actually writing the interview pieces out, there’s a ton of playback and re-listening to the conversations. And a lot of hearing myself talk. When I was writing last week’s piece with Julia Hembree, I was supremely disappointed with my words. It wasn’t how they sounded. It was what I was saying. As I was talking to my subject about the quest to “figure out” life and career, all she could talk about was how open to possibility she was and set a very realistic pace for herself. Plus, she was happy. She was relaxed. I, on the other hand, sounded jaded and downright whiney about “possibilities.” YUCK. I had become one of those girls.

Suffice to say, my BIG DREAMS that I had for living in NYC have been slow to come to fruition. Honestly, I wanted to be a head stylist or an editor for an esteemed publication or some title preceding by VP by the time I was 24. And seeing as that has not happened, for very obvious reasons, I have seasons where I feel discouraged or like I’ve failed. Yep, I’m one of those: very lofty dreams + perfectionist = deep sadness/fear of failure. I’ve watched dreams come true for others with relatively little effort and thought there was something wrong with me because I’ve put SO much effort into the next step and it has yet to arrive.

After a long week of more false starts and maybe some poor decision making, serious heart to hearts with dear friends and praying through my emotions, I’m beginning to see the light. People always tell me, “Haley, slow down.” “Stop beating yourself up!” “Enjoy the ride!”

“Enjoy the ride?” I think, “I’m crushing the ride! I’ll enjoy it more when I get there.”

Stupid mentality. I could have been enjoyed deeper relationships with friends, giving more to my day job or more to this blog. I could have been connecting with people, which, by the way, is the secret to getting ahead in this town. I could have been loving my husband better, rather than leaning into him for … any and all emotional support.

Talking to confidants also provided perspective. If I look at my dreams on a more macro level, I’m right on track. Here’s the short list:

• Become a professional stylist – many people have paid me to get them dressed, both commercial companies and private clients, check
• Move to New York – coming up on two years here, check
• Work for a major fashion brand – coming up on two years with one, check
• Own my own business – this happened last month, check
• Create fresh content on a consistent basis – I’d say that’s happening here at Hihaleyannie, check

So yea, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think I’ve watched Devil Wears Prada too many times.

I’m casting my net now. Something will swim along in due time. But I have to believe that I’m being taught how to cast my net in the proper way – without anxiety and with patience. If you’d like to truly know who you are – allllll the good and bad, please by all means, move to New York City. This place has a funny way of breaking you down and building you back up, frequently.

Photo Cred: Julia Hembree

With a quiet heart,

Haley